He walked in a little nervous, but otherwise strong, confident, and hopeful! He’d put his trust in me 2 months ago and was finally here to embark on the next to last important stretch of his bumpy life’s road–the clemency interview in the process of getting his civil rights restored after felony conviction. He’d thanked me several times before for treating him like a person, instead of his illness or his criminal record. Today would be no different. He would still be treated with honor and respect.

“Nooo…really?!” he grinned upon finally putting a face to my voice. (Voice plus last name…he thought I was white. In these last few racially charged days, he visibly relaxed a little more.)

He sat down. I made small talk; the weather, his drive over, his Vietnam Veteran hat. I then eased him into what to expect. I told him that I understand that going over every inch of a criminal record can be uncomfortable, but I wasn’t there to judge him. He said he was ready. I turned on my digital recorder. Little did we know, but both of our hearts would break in exactly 13 minutes and 7 seconds.

As we began to discuss his second (and arguably, worst) felony conviction, he looked at me with tears filling his eyes and through stuttered breaths, said, “Miss Valarie. I’m sorry. Can I just stop all this? I can’t have the governor reading and believing this about me. That’s not me. I didn’t do what they said. I don’t want to do this anymore.”

I gave him a tissue and told him it was okay. That he can always reapply. I told him how brave he was to come today. Through more tears and stuttered breaths, he said, “I know you’ve done a lot of work on my case. I feel like I’m letting you down.” “I assure you, you’re not letting me down,” I told him. “I’m proud you walked through the door. I know that took a lot.” He cried a little more and regained his composure. He talked to me about his time in Vietnam, Agent Orange exposure, PTSD, VA, finally being deemed 100% disabled by a judge who saw beyond his criminal record. He said for YEARS he felt so inhuman but over the last 10 years, he’s finally getting the RIGHT therapy and medication to treat his PTSD and depression.

I needed to keep him talking until I felt he was relaxed and focused to drive home. I told him about my time in Iraq as a contractor. He was familiar with the Army Oil Analysis Program. He was a U.S. Army helicopter mechanic. Born and raised in Alabama. Entered the military right there in Montgomery. More common ground as I’m originally an Alabamian myself. I knew all that already, but since he stopped the clemency process, I now have to let HIM decide what he wants to tell me.

Another 30 minutes went by and I could tell he was feeling better. Then after a few more minutes, he told me he felt better. I walked him to the front door, shook his hand, thanked him for coming in, thanked him for his service, and told him to have a wonderful day. He sheepishly grinned and thanked me for treating him like a PERSON all this time and “for just talking to me today.”

I stopped by the bathroom before returning to my office. I closed the stall door and just stood there; almost exhausted from keeping my composure for the last hour. I pressed my back against the stall wall, exhaled deeply and was instantly (and surprisingly) flooded with tears. I’m not a crier. I pride myself on successfully compartmentalizing emotions at work. In life in general, really. I’ve had to do a lot of mentally hard things as far as work is concerned. Yet, none as hard as watching a U.S. Veteran bravely walk away from his chance at restoration of the very civil rights he fought for all of us to have; and ironically DUE to mental ailments that manifested as a RESULT of bravely fighting for those rights.

So, how was YOUR morning?

🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

***This occurred and was documented on July 14, 2016 and yet it still brings tears to my eyes at the situation but warmth to my heart for it reminds me that I’m a better person than I think I am most days, because that’s exactly how I was made to be.

I didn’t publish this to be political. I published it to remind you that you have a purpose and that purpose is to love your fellow man. Not the love you have for your family and friends. You don’t know strangers in that way. I mean the act of showing goodwill towards your fellow man. Love of treating your fellow man how you would want to be treated if you were in their shoes. In this touchy, uncomfortable social climate, I need everyone who follows this blog to be kind, compassionate, and empathetic to those around you and watch it spread like wildfire; in hopes that we can heal from and ultimately dispel the current social climate that has us all on edge. Forget your political party, economic status, sexual orientation, religious denomination, race, education level, etc. and just be KIND to one another!

I will never see that veteran again, but I know I made a positive difference in his life just because I was kind. Being kind changes lives. It goes farther and lasts longer than being unkind. So, trust me…You WANT this gooey feeling that comes with showing kindness.

Happy Sunday! 🙂

From May 2017 – March 2018, I was the target of racial harassment, discrimination, and hostile work environment at the behavior of my then superior.

I endured racial slurs, derogatory comments regarding my “nappy” hair texture, her plotting my career sabotage, attempting to provoke me to “act black” in the stereotypical way she thought I should, attempting to psychologically manipulate me to break down my good relationship with my subordinates, verbally threatening to “bring out the ethnic” in me, attempts to embarrass and/or humiliate me during full staff meetings, and just downright mean, immoral, unprofessional, and unlawful behavior solely based on the color of my skin. That’s just SOME of what I endured for 10 months! Ten LONG months! I NEVER thought I’d have to endure such! If you’ve never been attacked like that, for something you can’t do anything about, I pray you never are. It strips you of you. It makes you question every social encounter with the other race you’ve ever had and ever will have. It makes you feel weak. It robs you of the simplest peace. The simple peace of being comfortable in your own skin. The one place you should always feel safe…secure…happy…confident…whole.

She was terminated after a rather brief HR investigation after a couple of angels reported things they’d witnessed first hand. Those couple of reported instances rapidly grew into an HR explosion! Frankly, the stacked offenses were far too great to warrant a longer investigation or an outcome other than termination. The evidence was very clear, to say the least.

For months, I’d walked around with such vile anger towards ANY strange white person who offended me. Even passing in front of me on the bread aisle at WalMart without so much as an “excuse me” would initiate an angry comment.

That wasn’t me at all! I could feel myself changing into someone I had no interest in being. So, I politely informed my company that I needed to seek counseling, but I wasn’t paying for it. They obliged. How could they not, right?

It was brutal, hurtful, abusive, invasive and I’m still in counseling 14 months later. My God-sent therapist asked me, what it was about this particular racist encounter that made me seek counseling. She said as a black woman living in America, that it certainly wasn’t the first time I’d dealt with racism, so what about this particular encounter nudged me to feel I needed counseling?

Change. It was its invasive, prolonged, threatening brutality that I could feel changing me from inside like a visceral parasite. It was so bad, I simply shut down and that’s one thing I never do. No matter the situation. I felt so abused, beat down, defeated, insulted, broken, and weakened on a daily basis, that I saw no other option but to just shut down. I gave up on ever waking up from that nightmare. I cried every single weekday morning when my alarm went off. I silently screamed, begged, pleaded to ANY God for no more. I didn’t care if it was by way of MY firing. I just needed it to be over. No more! I wasn’t sure how much more of it I could take. No more! I was confused at how being the bigger person felt so–small. The ordeal was changing me.

I was diagnosed with situational depression. I won’t lie to you. Hearing it out loud was jarring. Depression is NOT like television. Television shows us depression to its extremes. Yet, here I was still functioning, happy, traveling–hated my job, but few people REALLY love a job anyway, right? I mean, that was normal, I thought.

Only, it’s not about being “normal.” It’s about developing the tools to navigate the worst of emotions. See! I was doing the work– and healing!

Fast forward to Fall 2018. I was asked if I’d like to audition for a musical in my hometown. I currently live an hour and a half away from my hometown, so to be thought enough of to be asked sent a wave of warmth over me. Some real healing was on the cusp, but I wouldn’t realize it until later.

For weeks, I began remembering that at my foundation, there are people who have known and loved me for as long as I can remember, regardless of my skin color. Back home, at my very foundation, are/were people, outside of family, who saw every special thing about me and encouraged it all–educators, administrators, managers, community leaders, friends. They all contributed to my successes just by treating me as we should all treat each other. I couldn’t let one (and her few minions) who were threatened by the color of my skin (for whatever reason) change who I am at my core!!!

The first read through for “Mamma Mia!” was the Monday after Thanksgiving. I had NO idea this was the beginning of even more healing. As a musically inclined person, I know how good I feel after singing, listening to music, drawing, painting, visiting a museum, seeing a play, etc. I know the scientific proof of the effect art has on us. Yet, I had NO idea how therapeutic this was going to be at this moment in my life. It’s like the opportunity presented itself when I needed it most.

Initially, I was nervous about meeting new white people and spending a huge chunk of my time with them. (Just being honest). We can’t deny that my hesitation and fear was absolutely validated. I’d been traumatized by SUCH an invasive and personal attack on who I am! Could I hold it together if it happened again to the same magnitude?

What if a cast mate just didn’t like me because of something I can’t change about myself (race) in such an intimate occasion that’s so close to my heart? Would it change how I feel about performing in the way it sucked ALL the joy out of work? Would I shut down again, resulting in a less than stellar performance and disappoint the directors, patrons, my alma mater, friends, and family?

I spent the weeks between January and mid-March singing, dancing, and acting with some amazingly kind, talented, fun, compassionate, and diverse people. I’d been nervous for nothing! I reconnected with old friends and made new ones. I utilized this creative outlet to HEAL, without even realizing it. I can’t even type that without tears welling in my eyes, because every person involved, every note, every line, every dance step, every prop, every audience member, every minute of rehearsals was SO significant to dispelling my deep-seated resentment.

Art HEALS! Art has been scientifically proven to heal by transforming physiological and emotional states, and mental perception. Art changes brain wave patterns. It transforms fear to inspiration. It boosts the immune system and enhances blood flow. It changes the attitude! It alters your perception of pain. If you don’t believe it, just try it!

My therapist saw it all over me throughout having been cast, through rehearsals, and finally performances. My transformation was exciting for both of us! Sessions have been decreased to once a month with a service termination date in sight! I’m almost there. I was always “doing the work,” but performing in “Mamma Mia!” upped the ante!

I could NOT be more grateful for the opportunity to have played “Rosie Mulligan.” Her strong, assertive, and fun personality was EXACTLY the kind of character I needed to mimic in order to reignite myself after having been stifled for so long. The directors, musical director, photographers, videographers, choreographers, costume designers, cast, stage crew, (and anyone else I’m accidentally leaving out) have NO idea how much being around them and creating something spectacular together helped me in the healing process and I am FOREVER grateful to every soul of my theater family for their influences! ❤️

ART HEALS!

So…

I went to the bathroom at work this afternoon and…well…someone forgot to flush. Maybe one of the interviewees was really nervous. I don’t know. They’ve literally been interviewing people ALL DAY for a clerk’s position. Anyway, whoever it was, I think that was the longest…waste I’ve ever seen. While gross and disturbing that grown folks ain’t flushing; it got me thinking…💭 Maybe it wasn’t accidental. Maybe she didn’t forget. Maybe she was just proud and wanted someone else to see! LOL

No, seriously! Hear me out! Parents are always praising babies and toddlers on good poops 💩! Like, why does that stop after a certain age?!?! We’re praised for it a few years and then the praise just abruptly stops one day! I personally don’t recall when it stopped for me, but that must be pretty confusing for us all! Think about it! Your parents just STOP praising you for something YOU made, all by yourself! No help from anyone! May even be a little magical for you, because you don’t even know how the trick works yet, but you’re doing it, and your parents are super proud of you for it! Then one day…BAM…you’re not so special anymore! That could be the root of quite a few personality disorders!

So, whoever you are, 👏🏾”Yaaaay! What a big poopy you made! Good joooooob, princess! I’m so proud of you!!! Next time let’s make sure we flush, okaaaay? Because princesses ALWAYS flush after they potty. Can you show Mommy how you flush, right now? ……..👏🏾Oh! That’s my big girl! You’re such a good princess! Thank you, sweetie!”

As poignant and brilliant as Jesse Williams’ speech at the BET Awards was; there remain 2 clear unfortunates of it. 1) Unfortunately, we, as a people, may be caught up in the rhythm and smooth pageantry of Williams’ words. We heard it. We felt it. We were encouraged. We were moved. Will we have forgotten two months from now? Two years from now, will we STILL allow ourselves, our culture, and our genius to be misappropriated and extracted by means of REMAINING uneducated (and I’m not talking about formal education, I’m talking common sense), protecting buffoonery, and retaining victimization. In other words, we will do NOTHING to STOP the extraction of ourselves, our culture, and our genius, because we’ve gotten too comfortable valuing and encouraging a stereotype our ancestors never meant for us. We’ve gotten too comfortable in our little world of inaction. We, as a whole, are comfortable to complain, but uncomfortable with the responsibilities that conjure real change. “Y’all think it’s bougie, I’m like, it’s fine. But I’m tryin’ to give you a million dollars worth of game for 9.99.” – “The Story of O.J.,” Jay Z

“…dedicating our lives to getting money just to give it right back for someone’s brand on our body when we spent centuries praying with brands on our bodies.” – Jesse Williams, 2016 BET Humanitarian Award recipient

2) Unfortunately, white people weren’t watching the BET awards, even though it’s simulcast on MTV, MTV2, VH1, Comedy Central, and Nickelodeon. As Williams’ stated, there IS a problem when law enforcement manages to deescalate situations involving white assailants but not in situations involving black assailants. While, as a justice
professional, I will FULLY admit that Sandra Bland’s attitude pissed ME off as I watched it–for many reasons; professionally and personally. Yet NO ONE has acknowledged that one crucial unnecessary question dripping with a sarcastic and dismissive undertone (“Are you alright?); when the officer chose to provoke her attitude instead of issuing the citation and going on with his day! It was at THAT moment the life of a citation was valued over a life. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then you either, 1) refuse to see it or 2) think the problem started only when things got physical–in which case, both of you are wrong. We can’t fix together, what the ruling class refuses to acknowledge is broken.

“…we know that law enforcement manages to deescalate, disarm, and not kill white people everyday” but not in situations involving black assailants. – Jesse Williams, 2016 BET Humanitarian Award recipient

While we might share some life experiences as general human experiences, I don’t expect my white friends to see everything the way I observe as a black woman. And I hope they’re as smart as I think they are and don’t expect me to see everything the way they see it as white men and women. I don’t expect my white friends to relate to this world as I do. That’s impossible, really. They’ve never been black! I’ve never been white. We’re totally different people, with totally different experiences from totally different perspectives. While that makes for wonderful friendships, it’s a clear hurdle as it relates to social opposition.

They’re not the target of awkward comments or situations and have to wonder if the motive was racial. They don’t remain graceful and unmoved in a public situation that was clearly racially motivated. They’ve never gone to lunch with white co-workers in 2016 (!!!) and literally FELT the unspoken words of other patrons, “What’s this nigger doing in here?!,” radiating from angry stares because (unbeknownst to your party), CLEARLY neither the restaurant or its regular patrons positively “interact” with many (if ANY) black people, and still hold tight to old racial prejudices! They don’t have to deal with under-toned racism in a workplace, thereby making it hard to prove, which would essentially render you just another “angry black woman.” They don’t see the upbeat, happily pleasant cashier chat up the white person in front of you in the line, but when it’s your turn, their entire mood goes stoic, “bothered” and you don’t even get so much as a “hello”-leaving you wondering, “Was that because I’m black?” They don’t put their registration, proof of insurance, and driver license in a neat package on their dashboards before the take a trip, so that they don’t have to reach into ANYTHING, if stopped. They don’t experience or even notice these situations because they don’t have to. It’s not a part of their daily existence. It’s easy not to see. And then there are those who refuse to acknowledge what they see because it disturbs their privileged existence. It disturbs their spirit and they become defensive, instead of yielding to uncomfortable conversations, emotions, and ACTION!

However, I DO expect empathy and understanding. I DO expect open eyes, minds, and a perceptive attitude when observing what they can’t personally understand. I expect them to consider the FACTS of being black in this country from a firsthand source (me), before dismissing Williams’ speech. I DO expect them to speak up for racial injustices just as they do for abortion and animal rights. I mean, I
DO stand up for their safety every day. I’ve stood up for their international safety, too. I DO stand up for them on personal levels.

“The thing is though, just because we’re magic, doesn’t mean we’re not real.” – Jesse Williams, 2016 BET Humanitarian Award recipient.

In other words; Just because we make being black in this country LOOK easy, doesn’t mean it is.

Source: Why I Still Say Merry Christmas

Wow! It’s been months since I posted! Well, I’m back!

A lot has happened since I last posted, but that’s for another blog. I’ve moved back to Florida, so in light of the big Florida news of the week, here it is! My explanation. My reasoning. My declaration of why I support Marriage Equality. Ok…well, it isn’t just ONE. There are many. How about we just jump right in!

1) Let’s start with the obvious. As a single, never married women of 37, I’ve been asked on many occasions, “The number of single men is already low. Aren’t you worried that if gays are allowed to marry, you’ll never be married?” Um…NO! That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard! Why would I be worried? Myself and gay men aren’t after the same thing! I date straight men! They date gay men!

2) In my observation of married couples all these years, there is one behavior that’s sure to cause trouble in a marriage; besides not communicating; and that’s basing your marriage on someone else’s! I’m still not clear on how gay marriage cancels straight marriage. If gays (you don’t even KNOW) getting married ruins your straight marriage, then I’ve got news for you! YOUR problem isn’t gay marriage! I’ve not heard of ONE SINGLE NEWS STORY in which a straight couple’s marriage was deemed null and void the SECOND a judge struck down a gay marriage ban in ANY state! NOT ONE!

3) The “religious” debate. Yes, I’m a Christian. No, that doesn’t give me the divine right to hate others . It’s not my place to deem ANYONE unworthy for Heaven, Hell or Earth. Regardless of whether you think homosexuality is right or wrong, I assure you that you’re not leading ANYONE to Christ with such bold HATRED that I see spewing from the mouths of so-called Christians towards the LGBT community!

Jesus’ central theme throughout the New Testament is love. Now, that doesn’t mean be all gushy-mushy with everyone! Christ wasn’t stupid. You’re not going to like some people and vice versa. All He’s saying is be kind and wish others goodwill! (Don’t believe me? Invest in a greek dictionary and do some research on the word “love” in the original language of which the Bible was written.) Back to my point. For example, I have family members that I don’t associate with for one reason or another but I “love” them. Maybe we have nothing in common but DNA. Maybe I just don’t care for their personality. Or maybe the stone cold reality is that they’re just not people I would care to know or hang with outside of already knowing them because we’re related! And that’s perfectly okay! Nowhere in the Bible does it say I’m required to forge relationships with people I don’t want to associate with! I hold neither animosity nor wish them ill will. I wish them ALL the goodwill and blessings in this life, running over—I simply have no need or desire to know about it or be part of it! And that’s perfectly okay!

The same goes for you and the LGBT community! You don’t have to like them or their lifestyle. You don’t have to associate with them. You don’t have to forge friendships. You can oppose them all you want, but you CANNOT hate them and deny their rights! I haven’t seen any memos on Heaven letterhead stationery announcing a hiring bonanza for judgment positions, so let’s all calm down and keep our day jobs!

Allow me to play devil’s advocate. If God truly hates homosexuals, as you believe, what does it matter if gay marriage is legal in THIS life? I mean, we’re supposed to be living right for the next life, right? Soooo, that would mean gay marriage wouldn’t be legal in Heaven… so, if you make it Heaven, you don’t have to associate with them there, either! Well, look-a-there!!! Lucky you!!! But that scenario leads to a bigger question for hateful Christians (oxymoron!). Sooooo…who do you trust more; God or the State? If you trust God more, what does the State matter? And if you trust the State more, your argument is now void and even lamer! (I can literally hear the mouse clicks as people close my blog window! LOL For those still reading, let’s continue.)

4) I have gay friends and happen to know firsthand, that nothing changed when they came out to me. The world didn’t stop spinning. The sun still rose. The moon still set. My boyfriend and I didn’t have to break up because my friends “coming out” made our straight relationship invalid. I wasn’t required to change my sexual preference to remain friends. Nothing happened! In that moment, they were the SAME good people they were before! I was the same good person I was before. I still loved them and they still loved me.

5) Now this is the hard one. Even though, it’s not my fault, it’s embarrassing and personally uncomfortable to admit. But here goes…I dated a gay man for over four years. *deep, shaky exhale* I didn’t know at first. Even though I had my suspicions over the years, I pushed them aside because this poor fella was doing ALL he knew (and didn’t know) to do in order to keep up the façade of a straight man. YEARS later, while watching reruns, I realized that his go-to personality for mimicking was “Martin Payne” from the 90’s sitcom “Martin!” So, you see my confusion? During our relationship (and I use that word loosely) I just thought he was an arrogant chauvinist idiot! (I won’t go into detail of this man’s dramatic public production of, “For real! I’m straight! Believe me!” That is another blog for another da…month!) Thankfully, I realized the truth before any real marriage talk took place. Let’s just say that one day it was all too much for me to deny. To him, I was nothing more than a feminine being to live vicariously through. That visceral jolt of reality came the day I realized he didn’t want to be WITH me; he wanted to BE me! Now, don’t get me wrong! He could NOT have chosen a better prototype, but DAMN! The realization of the truth was like taking a bullet!

To this day, I look back and can’t help but wonder. What if he was allowed to be himself in this world? What if he was allowed to love who he wanted to love? What if he didn’t have to pretend to love a woman for fear of losing his parents’ love, the church’s spiritual fruit and fellowship, the camaraderie and brotherhood of his college fraternity, social respect, in general???

I’d rather support marriage equality and allow people to freely love who they love, than give social lies, manipulation and hypocrisy any power.   I’d rather extend marriage equality to everyone than watch someone waste 4 years of their lives as a significant other’s social research project!

Regardless of how you feel about the issue, it’s not your place to judge. Let God handle that. He’s the only one qualified to do so.

Hey! In the end, I may not be right! But I won’t have to ask forgiveness for NOT “loving one another” as I’m commanded to do, either.